Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Taking Chances

Psalm 56:3-4
 "But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you. I praise God for what he has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?"

I'm going to be straight up honest here, I worry. I worry A LOT. Far more than I probably ever should. I tend to over-analyze, over-think, and sometimes, I even tend to over react. I know, it's shocking. It's almost like I'm human or something ridiculously absurd like that. When I worry about something, I always  have to make sure that I have every single possible solution worked out in my head, before I even think about taking action on it. I'm not one for chances. I don't like the feeling of not knowing, the feeling of uncertainty.There's just something about not knowing the outcome of a conversation or an action that drives me absolutely bonkers. I don't like making myself vulnerable in any way, because I'm afraid of getting hurt. Woah, it's like I'm the only one who actually feels like that. Just kidding, it has to do something with being human I guess.  Although it may seem counter-intuitive, however, I do like surprises. Not knowing that I don't know something is infinitely better that knowing that I don't know something. Makes sense, right? Once I realize that I'm missing knowledge though, I try everything that I can to learn it. I love knowledge, but at the same time, I really hate that I can't let things go. There are things out there that I know I'm not ready to learn yet. I have so much to learn in life, and I'm just getting started with my life. The thought of not knowing what the future is both terrifies me and excites me all at the same time. 

So, I'm the type of person that if you want to talk personal walks, and back story, I will sit and talk back story. I love hearing other people's back stories. Although mine's not the happiest, and it has dark and twisty times, I've found that telling my story and how I ended up as a Christian really inspires people. (disclaimer: That's just what everyone tells me, so I guess it's true?) The fact that so many people face trials and tribulations of various kinds, and they still somehow manage to become a strong Christian really inspires me to become the best Christian that I possible can. Using the pain and misfortunes from my past has allowed me to build a heart of compassion for people. All the pain and bitterness that I have towards my past, I used as fuel to become the exact opposite of what the world expected me to become. I had the opportunity to share a bit of my testimony today with someone. And they asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I had told them all about my plans for becoming an alternative education teacher, and then also starting some kinda of Foster Care ministry and they asked me why I wanted to do what I want to do. A very short summary of dark back story, and then they understood. As I sat on the floor mulling over what I had said (I tend to do that a lot as well), I realized that although my past may have been filled with so much pain and hurt, it lead me to where I am today. If I had the opportunity to go back in time and change what happened, I'm not entirely sure that I would. The scars of my past have lead me to being the person that I am today. I have many insecurities about myself, and I know I value myself far less than I'm worth, but I'm changing that perspective ever so slowly. Day by day I've been trying to find something in my life that I'm confident in and I feel good about. It's going to be a long uphill battle, but I know with God, loving friends, and prayer along the way, I'll end up seeing myself for who God sees inside of  me. 

A few weak points of my faith are how much I undervalue myself, and how much I struggle giving things over to God. I know now that I mean so much to God, and he made me to be me, not who the world tries to tell me to be, but who I am deep down inside. And I know that I struggle letting things go to God. I have this stupid habit of taking everything that I'm struggling with and shouldering it all by myself. Because I'm strong enough to handle everything that Life throws my way right? Wrong, and last semester was so painfully obvious with that. I was fooling myself that I could handle falling back into the self harm and eating disorder cycle that I've been struggling to get out of since I was 12. It's been six years, and I'm still dealing with the same issues that I was back then. I can't do it without God. I keep forgetting to remember that. But, God's here for me no matter how many times I keep forgetting knowledge that I should never forget in the first place, to be replaced with knowledge that I don't need. That's one of the most amazing things about God, He loves us no matter who we are, where we've been, or how we came to be where we are now. He's bigger than any problem I'll ever face, and there will never be a question that I have that He can't answer. There's something about the intimacy of having a personal relationship with God that I can't quite get over. It's a known fact that I talk, and I talk a lot. Sometimes though, I do get tired of talking to people, and I just want to talk without the worry that I might say the wrong thing. Those are the times when I love talking to God the most. I can be so open and honest with him, and He listens, not because He doesn't know what I'm thinking and feeling, but because He cares. He'll never grow tired or weary of listening to me talk to him about little problems that I have, or the really big ones that I really need some guidance on. After I've finished talking to God, I always manage to feel better. I don't have to worry about offending him, hurting him, He's God and He's bigger than anything that I can throw at him. Hurt, Anger, Sadness, Happiness, Fear, Worry, Anxiety, the list goes on and on. He loves me so much that He listens to everything I worry about, I over-analyze, over-think, and over-react to. That's only one of the many, many, MANY reasons why He is God, and to be honest, I wouldn't want him any other way. 

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