Saturday, April 9, 2011

This Is Where The Healing Begins

"But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, Bless those who curse you, and pray for those who spitefully use you." Luke 6:27-28

I know that I haven't updated this in a while, because most of the learning that I have been doing..although it's been helping me out through the stuff I've been going through right now, it was something that I was doing for myself. A 'For My Eyes Only' type of thing where I could just really get down into the events that have happened to me that I'm just not comfortable sharing with the rest of the viral world. But, I've decided that it is probably a good idea to let you know where I am spiritually and I finally found enough free quiet time to fill you in.

Over the last week or so, God has really put on my heart that I need to start repairing the broken relationship that I have with my mom. We've had our moments where we have Mother-Daughter time, but those times are few and far between. And I know that our relationship could begin to heal, I know it can never go back to the way things were when I was much has changed and we each have been through our own personal hells, but since I'm going off to college in a few short months I really feel like I should start the healing process between us. 

The only problem is that I'm not one hundred percent sure that I'm ready to completely forgive and start over. I know that I have a lot of pain and hurt from everything that I've been through, just from being in this family. As a result however, I've allowed my heart to grow extremely cold towards her, and I hold a lot of resentment against her. Although I know that the bible calls us to respect and honor our parents, I find it extremely hard to honor either one of my parents, because I've lived such a hard and hurtful life at their hands. It is the one thing that I will admit is my weakest point in my faith. I know that I need to have that respect for my parents, but I can't bring myself to get past my own hurt in order to forgive them. I know that my family needs a lot of healing, and I know that I would probably feel so much weight lifted off my heart if I do forgive her, but I just can't let go of my pain long enough to allow that healing to happen. I wish I had the ability to let hurt roll off of me like water drops on a plant, but I can't. Every time I get hurt, or someone disappoints me, my first reaction is to bottle it all up in the hopes that it would naturally diffuse in the darkness that is at the bottom of my heart. When I am hurting it seems like the best plan because it stops the pain from hurting at that moment. It just seems like the easiest least painful thing to do.

Although I know as Christians we are called to become like Christ and live our lives in such a way that shows love for the rest of the world to see, it's not the easiest task to accomplish in my house. We don't have the family time that I know other families do. But as the years have past, I've sort of given up on almost all hope of that happening in this house. We don't even enjoy the company of each other around a table when we eat our meals, everyone just goes back to what they were doing with out any sort of interaction with each other. Not that I don't try, I try everything that I can think of to try and get my family to sit around a table to enjoy a simple family meal together. With that kind of disappointment even at meal times, I know that trying to have a small amount of family bonding time would never be a thing that they would accept as something to do.Trying to pick up all the shattered pieces of my family isn't my job to do, I feel like it is something that I should at least attempt to do because Mom would never try to, or even notice that our family is that detached from itself and our own problems that each one of my family members has to work through and heal from.

With everything I've been through, and everything that I've seen, I just can't help but be amazed at how much God has influenced me to become a better person and grow stronger because of my pain, and not let it hold me back in life. I really do hope that in the coming months before I leave for college, that my family can grow closer to eachother...but I'm really tired of fighting this uphill battle. The more I try to fight to get us to be closer it seems that I just end up getting more hurt and dissappointed. There comes a time when you just have to realize that you're fighting a losing battle, and no matter how hard it might be to admit defeat, sometimes you just have to give up in order to protect yourself from getting hurt worse. I still care for my family, and i would just about do anything in the world for my brothers, but I can't care enough to make up for everyone. I already have enough to deal with as it is...I just hope that they see how much we need to be a family, before all of this is too far gone to repair.