Monday, January 16, 2012

New Year's Realizations

Ephesians 4:31-32
 "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

I know that I haven't updated this is so long, and so much has changed. Life update: Went off to college, fell back into a cycle of self-harm, and then that brought back my issues with Bulimia. Then I got into a really bad car accident, and then that kinda flipped my life back around. Although it didn't stay like that for long, about two weeks after, I fell back into cutting, except it came back ten times stronger, and cutting just wasn't enough. I also took one of Mom's lighters and started burning myself again also. I hid it from people here on campus, and it came to the point where I couldn't hide it anymore. That was Thanksgiving break, and I ended up going to the hospital, and long story short...I've been clean for about two months. WOOT! I'm on the road to recovery. It's a hard path, and I'm taking things one day at a time. But, The most important thing is that God is guiding my every step. So I know that I will eventually get to where I know I need to be. And then, two weeks ago, We lost Amanda...I've never lost anyone that close to me before...and it hurts. I know that she's in Heaven, and not in any pain anymore. So that helps, a little bit. 

But over the last few days, I've come to realize so much about myself. I let the pain of my past control my life. There were days that the memories were so vivid, that I felt like I'm a zombie, just going through the motions. I've been shorting myself of so much life. I've always had a problem with seeing myself in a positive light. Over the last few days, I've realized that I was so wrong. I am worth something, something very important to so many people. People like me for who I am..I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be me. And I know that I am worth something to God, but I never felt like I was worth something to people. I could never believe when people told me that I was important to them. Now, I realized that I was so wrong. I  keep looking back at my past and I can't believe that I've been lying to myself for so many years. 

I just really have come to realize that I've got a lot of things to work through. I've got so many insecurities, and things that I can't believe about myself. When I've looked at my reflection, I've never seen the good qualities that people say are there, I've always seen the scars, and the weight of my past. I suppose that a lot of people might be surprised by how low my self-esteem/confidence really is. But now, I realize that the things that I believed about myself aren't true. I'm starting to see what people see in me. And God has played a HUGE part in this. He's given me so many friends here on campus, and they have been here to help me when I've fallen down. I know I have other friends, but I don't see them day to day like I do the people here. I've been asking God for a place that I feel like I belong in for so long, and I've finally found it. He's blessed me so much these last few months, even when I was putting a wall between me and him. 

But that's God, even when we fall away from him, He's still there for us when we come back. And even when we're far away from him, He never stops loving us. That's one of the most valuable part of my relationship with God. He'll be here for me whenever I need him, and even when I forget that I do. He's bigger than everything I'm going through, and sometimes I have to remind myself of that. Giving everything over to God, from the small things, to the really big things has always been my biggest struggle in my faith. Sometimes I forget that I have a God to walk beside me in life, and that I don't have to go through all my problems alone. We all have things that we struggle with in our personal walk with Christ, and He still loves us. He looks past our flaws, and He sees the perfect person we are meant to become. I could go on for hours about how great God is, but odds are, if you're actually reading this you know how great He is. 

I just wanted to share what's been going on in my life recently, to keep all the internet informed of what I've been up to. And as I look at the clock and realize that it's 3am, and I have a class at 9...I'm going to have to cut this short this time. I will try to keep this updated at least once a week. So, I look forward to having you read this again. I encourage you to remember how much God loves us, and take the time to see how He's blessed your life.

P.s. If you're not too busy, would you mind saying a quick prayer for me? As this new semester starts, I want to not go back to the person I was last semester. Thank you! 

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