"You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you." -Song Of Solomon 4:7
Sorry That I haven't posted anything in a few days, I've been so busy studying for my exams that I just haven't had the time to sit and write on here. But, I do hope that you like this, after my short break from writing.
Have you ever had those days where you just feel like it is a "National Hate On Me Day?" Those days where it seems like you and Murphy are just the best of friends? I have, and actually I've had a lot of them growing up. I was picked on a lot during my elementary and middle school years. To be completely honest, it tore my self-esteem to shreds. I didn't fit in anywhere. It was very hard for me to make friends, and I wasn't the social, out going person that every one sees today. I was a completely different person before foster care, if you would have known me back then you would have never recognized me.
There were days where the attacks and bullying in school were so bad that I would come back to the house, lock myself in the bathroom and just cry. All those days when I would stand in front of our bathroom mirror and cry because I felt like I just wasn't good enough for anything. With the torment that I faced at school, and the abuse that I received at home, there was no escape for me. Eventually, if your told something and literally having it beat into you, you start to believe it. During those years, I felt truly alone. But I now know that I wasn't. I didn't know about the love of God, but looking back now I can see that he was working through my life in the most unusual ways. Even though the circumstances were awful, it served a greater purpose in my life.
Looking back is something that I find myself doing more and more as my Senior year progresses. I find that through all my pain, and personal tragedies, I've grown to be a stronger person in my faith, and in my compassion for other people. I could have been one of those people who lets their own pain consume them and shut out the rest of the world, forever fostering the pain that lives inside of them. I remember the day as clearly as if it was yesterday way back in third grade. Sitting in class hearing the phone ring and instantly knowing that something bad had happened. Walking down to the office and seeing that lady from the state standing in the room. I knew my life was never going to be same, but I wasn't prepared for how bad things would actually get. But I knew at the moment when I walked out with that lady and I saw my older brother sitting in the van crying, Ryan was crying, and so was Wayne, I knew that I had to be strong enough for all of us. The thing that I was lacking was the love and strength of God, who carried me through all of it, and provided me with the strength to make it through when things got really bad.
I could have taken the easy way out. I could let all my pain consume me, and stop caring about the world because the world never took the time to care about me. But I chose strength, to me there was no other option. Life isn't just going to hold my hand and wait for me to get over my pain on my own. Life doesn't wait for anyone. If I succeed in anything in life, I want it to be that I was able to help other people through their own pain, and face their own skeletons even though I'm too scared to face mine.
I think that we all go through life's struggles for a reason. I know that the world will try everything in it's power to pull us away from God, and convince us that we're not worthy of God's love. I know that's complete rubbish. God loves us so much, he created us in HIS image. God thinks we're beauty that is incomparable to what the world defines as beautiful. I will admit that there are days when I do let my insecurities get the best of me, and I fall into the trap of believing what my insecurities are telling me. Those are the days that I feel the farthest away from God. Sometimes I just have to pause, take a breath and tell myself that God loves me, and in his eyes I am worthy, and since I am made in his image, I can take pride in knowing that I have Godly beauty. Even if the entire world is set on making me believe that that is not true.
I would have to say, getting to know God, and having the relationship that I have with him, has been my biggest self-esteem booster that I've ever known. Knowing that he can see past my flaws, and see the beauty inside me and love me for who I am. It's one of the things that I have come to treasure so much in my faith, knowing that when I screw up, or I make a really, really, REALLY stupid choice, God will always be there to carry me through the hurt, and he will never cease loving me for who I am in him.